The Fool
by Mrs. Singing Violin
Summary: Chakotay does something incredibly foolish, but is it worth it? Does he even have a choice?


Title: The Fool  
Author: Singing Violin  
Rating: K+  
Series: Star Trek: Voyager  
Summary: Chakotay does something incredibly foolish, but is it worth it? Does he even have a choice?  
Disclaimer: The characters and universe are not mine.

"I'm going in," I assert, my voice more confident than any other part of me.

"It's too dangerous."

"She'll kill you."

_I don't care._

One more moment of hesitation. "Wish me luck."

They nod, their eyes full of worry.

I temporarily lower the barrier, entering the makeshift private room. She is writhing, moaning, and covered in blood and lesions.

I can hear my heart snap in two in my chest, and then, the two pieces begin to beat independently, double-timing my already frantic rhythm.

The room spins. I grab hold of the nearest object for balance, and knock it to the floor.

The sound startles her and she attempts to turn her head in order to look in my direction.

I am at her side in an instant. "Don't move," I order, moving myself into her field of vision.

She blinks, struggling to focus, and then I notice the tears streaking down her face. Finally, her eyes find mine, and the world stops.

_Breathe_.

She whimpers and looks away.

I want to touch her, to reach out, to take her pain away.

I can't. It'll only make things worse.

But then...

Her arms twitch, weakly attempt to move. She is not successful, but I realize what she is trying to do.

_She wants to touch me._

Gingerly, I seek out an uninjured part of her body, and finding none, my hand hovers over her forehead, afraid to make contact, afraid to cause more pain.

More tears streak down her face, making tracks through the blood and dirt. _Probably stinging like hell every time they hit an open wound._

My heart rends in two again, quadrupling its pace. I feel the world falling around me.

"Don't die," I mutter. "Please, hold on."

_Does she blame me? Or is she too consumed with the pain of the moment to think about anything else?_

Finally I am aware of another presence in the room. The Doctor. He knows better than to kick me out. He's been working on her the whole time, but now I am in his way.

Or maybe...he can see me hovering on the precipice of consciousness, unable to cope with the present reality.

Holographic hands shove me out of the way, push me into a nearby chair.

I watch as he struggles to stabilize my captain, my friend, my soul.

If she dies, I know at least a part of me will too.

But I also can't bear to see her suffer like this...

"Has she had anything for the pain?" I hear myself ask.

"Not yet," the Doctor tells me tersely.

_Of course. She needs to be stable first. Keep her alive, then make her comfortable. Drugs might kill her now._

Every moment thereafter, I feel her agony.

Then, blissfully, she passes out. I see the tension drain from her body as her head lolls and her eyes close.

Warm tears fall down my cheeks now. I can only hope that she will wake up.

Something thrown at me. A blanket. For her? _For me._

The Doctor knows I will not leave, and wants me to be comfortable as I wait.

But how can I take any comfort while she suffers so?

_"There's no sense in your suffering needlessly. It serves no purpose." _ I imagine her saying. And then, _"I need you to stay strong for me."_

She'd never admit that, but I know for certain it is in her heart, and so for her, I attempt to rest. I am suddenly aware of how tired I am, how much energy I've spent just to get her back here. And then, as the cold begins to seep into my skin, I draw the blanket around myself and melt into the chair.

Slowly, the pieces of my heart begin to bind together again, and the tempo halves, and then halves again as I find myself drifting off into...

A word rouses me, a name. It is mine. The voice is raspy and weak, but it is hers.

I rejoice. _She is alive._

I stand up, move towards her.

"Get out." It is undeniably a command.

"What?" I squeak, disbelieving my ears. "No."

Once again, my heart is two, then four, then maybe eight. Eight little tiny hearts beating inside of me, not one sustaining my existence. All competing with each other for attention, jumping in protest at the words I have just heard.

"Please," she begs then, "Save yourself."

I shake my head. "I've been here all night," I admit. "I'm not leaving." _If you die, I die with you._

"No," she whispers, more tears escaping her eyes. "No."

I can't stand it anymore. I reach towards her, pull her gently into my arms.

She has no energy to resist me. She sobs weakly against my chest, and once again my own eyes overflow.

"I'm sorry," I tell her as she shudders against me. "I'm sorry we didn't get to you sooner. I wish..."

_What do I wish? That we could be together, like this, without the pain, without the threat of imminent death looming over us? Or that she'd never gotten in harm's way? Or that I could be of more comfort to her? That I could see her smiling, laughing, happy again, just once before we die?_

_All of it_.

"Me too," she says as she once again loses her battle to remain conscious, and nearly slips out of my arms as she begins to slip away.

She's pulling me down with her, I can feel it. It won't be long now. I drop her onto the biobed as my legs give out from under me, and I fall to the floor.

_"What about your duty? The rest of the ship? What do you think you're doing?"_ Her voice in my mind, again.

_I don't care. I choose you._

_"A hundred and fifty other lives," _her voice reminds me. _"I would never be so selfish."_

_If our positions were reversed, she'd let me die alone._

_I don't have it in me. I'd be worse than useless to this ship after she's gone._

I can only hope she'll understand.

At least I got to hold her one last time...

I feel a hypospray at my neck.

_No!_ I want to protest. _I want to feel the pain!_

But I have no strength with which to speak. How _she_ managed, I have no idea.

A warm, holographic hand on my forehead. "Sleep now, Commander. I've found and administered an antidote. She should pull through also."

My heart, which has grown cold and lifeless while I waited for the rest of me to follow, is suddenly alive again. So many times it has shattered and been reborn; it is a miracle I am here.

Knowing of our survival, I am pulled under once again, this time peacefully.

I feel. Breath. Life. Joy.

I dream of holding her in my arms as she merely sleeps.

I dream of carrying her over the threshold.

I dream of delivering my child from her womb.

_Someday._

I make a mental note to thank the Doctor when I awake. But for now, I am happy in my dreams.

I do not anticipate her anger.

I am standing in her office, at attention, and she is glaring at me with such intensity that I'm afraid I'll melt into the floor.

"Why?" she asks. "Why would you put yourself in danger like that?"

I shrug. There is only one answer, and it won't be acceptable. _To be with you_.

She crosses her arms. "This is serious, Chakotay. We can't function like this. Tell me why you did it."

"I couldn't bear to let you die alone," I admit.

She cocks her head. "I've done it before."

"I know," I respond immediately. "I couldn't let you...not again."

"But at the risk of your own life, Chakotay? What kind of foolishness...?"

I struggle against the urge to cry again. I've done enough of that over the last several days. Instead, I gulp and look to her for further admonishment. The dreams I had of a life with her are fading, one by one, in my mind, replaced by the dread of serving under a woman who returns my love with quiet contempt. My heart slows its rhythm, dying within my chest.

"My life was forfeit anyway," I decide and voice. "I couldn't...can't go on without you."

She shakes her head. "That's ridiculous." _She doesn't believe me. She thinks I have an ulterior motive._

"I'm sorry," is all I say. "The Doctor could have thrown me out."

"By then, it was too late," she supplied. "You'd already been exposed."

"I guess I was hoping I could be of some comfort to you," I suggest.

She turns away, walks to the viewport, and her reply is so soft that I'm not completely sure I've heard it. "You were."

Suddenly, she turns back to me, steps in front of me, her eyes ablaze, and my heart once again catches fire. "You're a damned fool, Chakotay," she tells me. "I need to know that, should something happen to me, that you'll be able to take over this ship. Get these people home."

I shrink before her. _I can't promise that._ "I'd prefer for you to know that this fool won't let anything happen to you," I say.

She shakes her head, tears once again beginning to fall from her eyes. "There's no convincing you, is there?"

Her question is rhetorical, but I answer anyway. "No."

I can tell she is conflicted. I want to take her into my arms and hold her forever, but I know she won't allow it...won't allow herself that comfort now. Not from me, at least. My heart breaks again, rupturing at its core, and I'm not sure if I will survive, after all.

"Get out," she echoes her words in Sickbay.

_"Save yourself, please,"_ I continue in my head once again. But I can't, not this time. I'm already gone.

I'd do the same thing over again, and she knows that too.

I don't know if I'm imagining it or not, but as I exit, I hear words in her voice. "You may be a damned fool, but you're my damned fool. Thank you."

I smile as I walk away. She'll come around. My visions begin to cohere again in my mind as my heart once again comes to life in my chest, and I can feel it pounding out its joy.

I'll always be her damned fool.


End file.
